Tuesday, October 17, 2017

DEATH FOR TRUTH


daphne-caruana-galizia-top-investigative-reporter-in-malta-killed-by-car-bomb

DEATH FOR TRUTH: I was living in Spain when the Panama Papers came out. I thought they would change the world, that the amount of detailed information (not just data) would create a swell of opposition amongst "every day people" around the world. You tell me: What did the Panama Papers mean to average Americans? What do they mean, now?

...because I learned ---before the Panama Papers and from dark experiences--- that "seeing" does not equal change / that digging into the possible causes and meanings of what one "sees" is required for change and can be, and often is, personally dangerous / and that people without very strong family or professional support are at a huge disadvantage when it comes to confronting corruption.

Ms. Galizia, the journalist killed in Malta today, had the support of 400,000 people, as well as a husband and adult children. Despite all this, she was still unable to remain physically safe. She paid with her life for believing in fairness, honesty, and civility.

QUESTION: Who is *allowed* to even *approach* the deep causes of the average citizen's increasing disempowerment, if being armed with accurate information, a supportive immediate family, and the support of the majority of citizens in your country is not enough to keep you safe?



*****

Monday, October 16, 2017

The Conversion(s)


Every instance
a generation
escapes

and the other (units)
translate
become available
in foreign terms

but some go quietly
undetected
ELSEWHERE

secret places
unleashed
free of definition

when I feel
released
I am energy and stasis
chaos and calm

don't believe in Analog
as absolute

don't believe NOW is
the first translation

don't believe Digital
is taking all of me

overlaps are like
saturation points

so much loaded
all terms break

escape reorganization
cry and laugh
be noise

be free



*****




*****






*****



Sunday, October 8, 2017

Heaven Sobs To See Me Wait


I let it be / I wait my turn / there's no line for real love, though / I let it pass / It doesn't matter / not what I remember / that's what I can't forget / why I'm leaving

I'll still be standing / but I'll stop waiting / in a line / know I'm better than  that / but I'm so scared / that this hopeless waiting / is the only hope I have / waiting in line to talk to you / so you can tell me / you love someone else / oh, heaven sobs to see me wait / heaven's begging / says "Give yourself a gift and walk away." / 

Why's that cherub's eyes so / empty? 




*****

Friday, October 6, 2017

american 02 american h20 american dream



some americans 
live asleep
 without dreaming 

some americans are 
awake and
dreaming 
of (potable) water
of a living wage
of affordable and accessible 
public transportation
of free dental care
of free medicine
of citizenship
of safety

i sell dishwashers
and live with my mother
not sure if that makes me awake or asleep

...i'm alive
living 
 revision
of my american dream

(breathe in, breathe out, american oxygen)


*****

Sunday, October 1, 2017

No Wash Will Stop The Pain



One day, on a not too distant morning, you will wake up and smell me...on your pillow, in your sheets, through your most sensual memories. You will wash the sheets. You will wash the sheets again with vinegar. You will change the sheets. You will buy new sheets. You will tell yourself you are imagining things, and then buy a sachet filled with lavendar and place it under your pillow all the same. 

Every night you will dream that something indescribable and warm is lost. You will instantly forget the dream. Morning after morning you will wake feeling sad. You will wake with your soul feeling gray. Even before you open your eyes. Even though you don't know why.

You will tell yourself I am nothing special. You will try countless times to believe it, but your heart will argue, and you will continue to smell me, even between your other lovers' legs. 

All of this will make you feel crazy. You will wonder if I am a ghost in your pocket. I will be none of the places we used to go, and this is when you will remember an old message I once sent, with a link that you never followed.

You will scroll back through all of our saved text messages---conversations you will never delete---and eventually you will find the link. Instead of the poem of love and sated flesh I sent, the link now leads you here...

to this vodoo-level-future-forecast of what will happen to our love if you keep refusing to go deep. It takes all of the pain you have been experiencing for you to recognize that you f-e-e-l love for me.

Now is when you will want to stop reading, start over, and be in love! But it has already happened. And you finally understand. These are the words that will break your heart.


*****









*****

Friday, September 29, 2017

A Puppet's Job


Untie these strings 
So long threaded through
My wooden limbs

Big Hands ---bigger than mine---
Been pulling on me
Too long

Tuggin' on me too hard
And it hurts

I'm going to run away tonight
Leave this traveling Punch-n-Judy 
Behind

Where knots won't let me free
SNIP
SNIP
Tonight in the dark

Maybe I owe everything I am
To the Big Hands

Maybe I won't get far
Alone

But isn't it the job of
Every puppet
To try?



*****

Monday, September 25, 2017

Complimentary, Not Clone


I will not be made into

a woman whose every pursuit

becomes one in which her husband

is an expert.


I will not race to prove

my speed to a man...

any man.


And I will not ride

to earn a man's respect,

even a husband's.


What kind of life

is it when one must

spend every energy

learning how to

become a female

version

of the man who claimed

he loved her?








All Animals


(c. 2000)

My son,

a deep thinker,

has body language

that never gives him away.


I will never forget 

the first time I noticed

how different from the other kids 

he looked.

We were visiting the 

Central Park Zoo.


It was a typical zoo day,

 loud and chaotic,

yet he was completely relaxed,

and content, as if all of us

---screaming babies, wild toddlers, busy parents, and captive animals---

were in his living room.


Magenta beret, low and tipped to one side,

navy romper with a white collar and

 yellow stars, his favorite purple booties...


My boy,

despite the stroller's 

seat-back being entirey upright,

had his legs draped accross 

the stroller's

front tray.

With his ankles crossed lazily,

bottle in hand,

he sat,

 watching.


To him, 

we were all

animals.



***


To me, we still are.



*****

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Negative Space


my eyes turn images /
upside down / magnify rips / tears / bring depth / this is where my mind breaks / i see your thin offerings / turn them to add  / add connections to neurons /  that bloat my brain's thin lines / for you /

add humor to lines of cruelty / add patience to dismissal / connect colour to this drab palate / 

i add / and bind / where i am / broken /  i am blind / to your / negative space




*****




*****

Saturday, September 23, 2017

GARDEN OF HOSTILITY


Such a mean little flower
with petals that bite!

Leaves that flip me
the finger,

stem that sticks its
bare ass out the back 
of the bus,

and all these stark naked stamen
standing straight up!

Low-minded little flower,
you are an angry man.


*****


Thursday, September 21, 2017

THIS PLACE

the leaves have turned and the air is cold
the fat waddle all about me, dressed in less
because they are fat
and warm
but i shiver
blue hands and lips while they walk with no 
coats
and it reminds me that i am fragile and 
alone
my wild tongue chopped off so i can live in this conservative
place with people who think jews are evil
or at the very least misguided
who think women are stupid and weak and make no sense
so when i give instructions they make me repeat myself at least twice
at least twice
and then pretend they've still no idea what i'm talking about but
really they are just too stupid to understand i know more about what is possible in
their jobs than they do but i am a girl so that never occurs to them
surrounded by people who think that mexico is just a dirty place with no culture
and Frida Kahlo is a movie and books about art are for the pretentious
as who would ever actually read those 
i read those i pour over those i read poetry and classics and contemporary and look at
images too and unlike them i'm not afraid of punks with blue hair or the occasional mohawk
not that there is ever more than one in town and not that he / she ever lasts very long here
i know how
to square dance and slam dance and think it would be fun to be in a place where i could do both 
every day i hold my breath and try to survive (not live, just survive) till the moon pops up
again i stare at the moon and stars while i lay in my bed in my tiny, tiny room
and i hope that i can make it through another night and day
and i wonder what it is that makes me so wretched no one has ever wanted to hold me
for long wonder what it is that makes others leave me and never come back except to torment me with cruel jokes or invite me to buy their books / records / come to 
their weddings or just maybe say "congratulations" to their new wives
such a monster i am a bundle of 
tears from being untouched, unhugged, unheld

alone in this place where everyone is one of two and i am one of 
one
and i am so very
cold

i feel i could crack in half
it is too much sometimes to bear

and maybe i was put on this earth
to make others feel
lucky 
they are not unloved and strange like
me


(written years ago, date unknown)


__________





Sunday, September 17, 2017

Notes on a Pragmatic Liason



i don't feel taken advantage of.

what i gave was calculated,

pros and cons tallied,

before you ever opened

a door.


keeping tabs of the situation

on the ground

means

minimal damage,

surprise unlikely,

and your warm body

...once.



*****


Assessment:


more important to 

clear the cobwebs


than wait for 

a man who has earned it.





*****











Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Picture of (My) Youth




I worked at Tiffanys

---that Tiffany's---

on the second floor,

in the Silver Department,

Customer Service.

I wanted to be a writer and

an actress.

I lived with nuns,

in the Village.




*****



Monday, September 11, 2017

Better IRL



This song has been in my head all morning. I can't tell you why. Never was a fan of Bruce until the summer of my 40th birthday. Staying in London and a friend was headed out to his concert there in the park, backstage passes, the whole nine yards. But I had a date, and hadn't planned on going with her. She left. My date called and cancelled. A few minutes later my friend was back, shouting for me to come! Turned out they had another ticket! She had no idea my date had cancelled.

Soon I was there, in the heart of it, and understood only then WHY they call him "The Boss." And why some people, some connections, some energies, can only be FELT IN REAL LIFE.

Now whenever I think about a masterpiece of art that has only been experienced through a photo, or a person who has only been introduced through social media, or a lover who has not let himself love with abandon or without expectation...I think of Bruce, and how being there changed me.



*****

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Spine


turn my neck

push my pelvis

tilt my head

establish my stance

center my stare

wait for retreat


no, not mine


in this picture

doubts back up


i stay

right where i am




*****









Saturday, September 9, 2017

Fountain Pen


Water can be rain

can wear the stone

softly

and smell

of summer

Or a river

wear the stone

evenly

a silk hand

and everpresent touch

Or pour through pressure

a single source

mobile

give dry land life

Water

 the pen

of the universe

shapes

everything

into images

only its

lovers

can

read




*****

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Mind Of A Passenger



In imagining my future

I draw a blank.


This does not frighten me.


Non-Local Base Training.


It informs me

that at least right now,

I have no business pretending

to have access to anything,

or anywhere,

to anyone,



except this...


and by one

tenuous

thread,


you.




*****

If you feel like it,

feel free 

to close your eyes

and fill in my

_______.



*****


Friday, September 1, 2017

Poor Sport


How many times

have I tried

to stack my nickels

atop the tip of

a thin...


sword?


Ha ha! to laugh

does not make

bank, but at least

this comedy is

reliable.







*****

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

On Mars


you are about to fade away


like the superamerica sign in my rear view mirror
far away
mars far

disinterest not to make you hot
disinterest because i don't
sit at home alone like this

you
pull the ropes
love
sex
conversation

remind me mine is
a life i haven't shared
in years

it is not safe for me here
waiting

i say nothing of it

encourage you
to do your thing

you act like you're going to
yet
you keep
glancing over to see
if i will break

haven't bothered to tell you
i will be on mars

i am already
almost
there.




******
Orig. Posted 04.24.11

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Straight Talk


Tell me a joke.

Entertain me.

Don't be a bore.


I know  this won't happen,

what I cannot figure out is why.


Am I really so difficult to please?


Perhaps. Perhaps not.

Either way,

I have got to stop wasting my time.




*****

Monday, August 28, 2017

Texting Sucks


I am not your mother.

Dating is not camp.

Men need to stop acting like

each of their texts is eagerly awaited,

like they are writing home.


I mean it.

No more texts!


I don't want to see a picture

of your beer, or your friends,

or your boat, or your dog.


If you want me to see those things,

stop being a jerk and invite me.

Radical, I know, but the logic works.

Except if you are taking these pics

while on another date...and yes, I do

know.


And no more sexts.

I don't want to see a picture

of your dick, no matter how

hot I think you are.


(Or thought you were.)


I want to make love,

not read about it.


I want to be your girlfriend,

not approve your editorial.


The iphone has ruined erotica,

and dating, for me.




*****







*****

The Rub of Disrespect


Wanting to
explain,
as a way to
convince
someone to
care,
is the surest
sign
this person
will never
care for you
at all.



*****




Friday, August 25, 2017

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Bedtime Story



this pairing / our pattern particular /


we become / bird's-eye bedroom chladni /







Monday, August 21, 2017

SAFE SPACE



Ready to make the dark 
a place I share

It is one of the most
electrifying places
I know

Can't count all the 
steps and systems
that must be willed
to coordinate
to get where I go

Skin and self
invert to encompass

Finally ready to
let go and synchronize

Now to find a man
strong enough
deep enough
in control enough
to stay connected
as we turn with each other
inside out

and back again

as often as we choose

make the spaces

of all states

inviting

seem endless

intricately magnificent


find a man who will

keep (us)(me)

safe


Ready to make the dark
a place I share

Find a man who can

get close enough

to take me somewhere

new.




*****

Sunday, August 20, 2017

THE ANONYMOUS LIBRARIAN


little messages in

saved words 

spilled from

my own

old wounds


In key moments

when i feel i will never

be seen in this world

The Anonymous Librarian

pulls up

my own history



purposefully leaves me 

fresh paths

to related stacks




The Anonymous Librarian

winks with URL's

smiles in stats


says "i see you"

and "i remember

when you were there

before" and

"don't cry wolf,

you've got this" 


and sometimes even 

"he's not worthy

of you"




Dear Anonymous Librarian


thank you



----------

Friday, August 18, 2017

Spectacle Surround


Pick the shiny penny
Honey

Swing from the brightest
Star

You can't help it
I know you can't see
the beauty of me

Groundling
burlap--no bustle--baby
buried in the crowd
My glow don't show through

Close my eyes and let it all pass
Carnival cosmos spins but

I've got a secret:
overlaps
They're hidden in
They're hidden
They're...only in my eyes...

I've got a secret!

So swing your star
and roll your change

I'm a groundling
burlap--no bustle--baby
buried in the crowd
My glow don't show through

peaceful swim
eyes closed
shimmy through the overlaps
hidden in these
I'm a burlap baby
hidden in my eyes

I've got a secret.




*****

Sunday, August 13, 2017

I Am More Than Someone Else's Ugly


I deserve.

Morning light that makes waking up early feel like a magical secret, moonlight on the water that bounces up onto my cheeks and makes me feel beautiful, birds with glorious, colourful feathers who land nearby and break the space back into 4 dimensions, rocky road from the greatest place and in the biggest mother-fucking cup, a genuine man who loves me with an open heart, and oh...sooooo much more.

I deserve to be read slowly.



*****



Saturday, August 12, 2017

No Erasure / Flood The Marks


what i delete

only tells you

what i would

like to spend

less time with


you can only

guess at

why


predicting can

mimic my

actions

but what i

act on is the

least interesting

of all

that occurs

in me









Vulnerability and Blood



I cannot begin to tell you how I know, but I know; we are all inconsequential when not woven deep into the fabric of our humanity.

Vulnerability and blood. These are the only things that distinguish we humans...anymore.



________


ERSATZ.




________

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Five Lands



feel my flesh come back while the ties
to my memories come undone under each one of your fingertips



*****




Monday, August 7, 2017

i won't choose


another departure
i can call 
an arrival

i cannot
cry every time the sun
goes down!


waiting for a lover who is
starlight and sunlight
together


*****


Thursday, August 3, 2017

The Opulence of Escape

when it is time to 
ignore all but the 
beauty of dreams

i need only a moment

Batsandswallows




*****

Monday, July 31, 2017

Issues

 
Except for the 
"how bad I need you" issue,
I am totally down with this song.



*****


Sunday, July 30, 2017

Requirements of Real Ascent


***


Labels and images 

maps and details

photos and directions 

all of it nothing but

a bunch of meaningless data


shallow and seductive


nothing but distractions

that keep me from becoming




*****

Friday, July 28, 2017

Power Leaves Me Cold

don't want to reward you / you don't deserve it / maybe ever / maybe just yet / and what the hell / were you thinking? /

were you thinking? / i was sure / til you twisted / our touch / bright lights big city / i want privacy / this is scaring me / what happened to respect? / 

what happened to respect? /

i don't know how you feel / i did / then i / needed something from you / something / you decided not to give / now i must choose  / do i accept less / comfort myself / saying it will change / when you love me / but i know better / i know better /

did you really mean / to refuse / something so simple / did you understand the import / your power grab / you got your power / you're using it / so much for the same team / i thought / i felt / you would be more / careful with me / 

turning back off / pink blanched back to / white / my legs reflexively closed / my lips already turned / to glass / did you mean / to refuse me? /

your ego spoke / i can't trust you / now i know better / i remember something / tears from knowing / nothing at all

did you really mean / to choose power? / i don't know you / maybe you're damaged / maybe you didn't even see / you had a / choice / i'm so sorry / so sorry you couldn't be / generous / 

i will get over / you / (this time) / because i / know better / 





***** 

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Tie It Up


Tie my thoughts into sailor's knots.

Dock my sex, my heart, my lips, my wetness

to keep thoughts of your touch from

slowly coaxing me, memory sensation by

memory sensation, out to sea alone.


***

You have the hands to untie me.

How are you far from shore,

when you are tired and the

water is work?

***

Am I safe with you?





*****

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Pulse


close your eyes

i'll close mine

because

because

because

it's all talking

(but we're breathing skin to skin)

they all smiling

(we're vein to vein)

no one's tops are turvy

like rabbits they all

fucking to make time

(we're time)

they miss the sounds...

(we're music)

crickets never quiet

they they they...

PULSE 

(we spread)

too scared to be seen

so they talked eyes open

(we are lights)

too scared to be seen so they

touch eyes closed

(we pulse)

let's open space back up

become the connections

open minds back up

resist our reflections

skin to skin...

PULSE


On Witholding


Gifts too soon

or too many

are not gifts.


They are burdens.



***

Fucking is easy.

Loving is hard.



*****

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

No Control

When the shell

finds the harvester's bag

When it will be

pried open

Insides stolen

Will it be happy

Feel fulfilled

because it has 

been emptied?

Because its gift

will be appreciated?


*****

Monday, July 17, 2017

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Sono Sola






Tuesday, November 18, 2008


Sono Sola

when i feel like this
those are the only words
that describe it

sono sola

those are the only words
that even come into my
mind

when i say it this way it feels like
i'm talking to
the dead architects of those
beautiful cities
the dead makers of those
haunting paintings
the dead lovers of those
dramatic women with their
brown eyes
and their fiery
ways

talking to all those dead people
who lived to make beautiful things
because they know how i feel

sono sola...

that i am trapped on
this inland island alone.





*****









Friday, July 7, 2017

On-line is the same as Alone




The conversation is 

one-sided

once again

even though this is

my first time

meeting you



*****

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Femme Masculine / Donna Mascolina

I am very strong.

I want to wear something sheer.

I am told to "lean back" to be successful in romance.

I am told to "lean in" to be successful in professional life.

I am fragile.

I want to demand answers from the world.

(Lean in, lean back, be lean, get fat...wtfk?!)

I want to say what I mean, be clear, be productive, relax in love, be hopeful, show kindness, feel accepted, understood, and wanted. 

I am living a small life.

I want to find my place and swell to fill it.

I want to expand in every direction.

I do not want (to have to) think about leaning at all.

I am not a modern woman.

I want to be known as a human.


*****

I am not ashamed to be a woman.

I am ashamed of what a woman is supposed to be.


*****